Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
