You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
