This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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