So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
