If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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