if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the day after is always just damage control
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
