is your mom at the bar?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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