I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
