I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
