Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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