I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
