You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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