My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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