I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
