I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
