Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
