I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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