he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
