I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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