I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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