I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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