I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
