This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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