come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
