When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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