I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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