I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
