My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
