Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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