Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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