you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
