I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
