You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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