You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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