If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
