how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
