I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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