During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
