saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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