Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
