soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
