The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
