I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
