just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
