this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
