the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
