Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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