omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
