Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
