How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
