...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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