The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
