im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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