My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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