if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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