Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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