Dude my mom stole all your condoms
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
