The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
